January in October

October is, to me, a very introspective month.  The changing of the seasons, the brisk clarity of the chilly mornings, the whispery sound of wind in dried leaves shivering on the trees or scratching across the lawn and sidewalk, the deep, instinctive feeling of needing to hunker down and dig in for the impending cold weather all combine to generate a feeling of restlessness in me.  But there is a deep down feeling of hope, of faith that this is not an ending but a begining.  The holiday season is approaching so my fridge is becoming covered with planning and shopping lists, my dining room table is collecting an amazing number of catalogs and I've started carrying a little notebook in my purse to jot down ideas for gifts, recipes and projects. 
This fall the projects include getting ready to move in the spring.  I'm hoping to buy a home and so I'm starting to purge some of the "stuff" that has accumulated.  That process includes digging through not just possessions but memories too.  It takes lots of time and even more energy, both physical and emotional.  There is both fear and excitment about the changes ahead, some days more fear, others more excitement.  So that leads to this blog's theme song....Just Like January

Trash everything that has ever crashed your system
Forget all the days that you've ever cried for help
Shelf all the words that have ever been used against you
Take the time to trust yourself
Oh-oh, oh-oh

[Chorus:]
Starting over, again - oh
I know there's something waiting
And I'm changing
Just like January
I'll start, over again - oh
Just when I thought I faded
You saved me
Just like January

Circle Song

Last night I had the pleasure of a reunion with friends from high school years.  It amazes me that after 30 plus years of extremely varied experiences/lifestyles we still have so much in common.  Many of our relationships are started because of chance...who you sat next to in class in school, who lived on your block, who lived on your dorm hall, who shared the next "cube" at work.  But these relationships are continued by choice.  Last night made me realise that the reason we chose to become friends instead of mere classmates 30  years ago was because on some level we sensed shared values/priorities/goals.  We may have been shaped ( or in some cases twisted!) by what has happened in the intervening years but deep down what attracted us to each other so long ago is still there.

In between the laughter and remembering that went on in our pasts, there were also moments of sharing who we have become and what we are facing in our lives now, both the good and the bad.  The old say "sharing with friends both lightens the burden and increases the joy" was certainly proven last night.  It was wonderful to be with these people 30 years ago and wonderful last night in a different way, from a different prospective.  Makes me think about what it will be like in the future!  Oh, and next time I'll remember the coffe mug!

So that leads to this post's song quote from Harry Chapin's  Circle Song:

It seems like I've been here before;
I can't remember when;
But I have this funny feeling;
That we'll all be together again.

No straight lines make up my life;
And all my roads have bends;
There's no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends.

I found you a thousand times;
I guess you done the same;
But then we lose each other;
It's like a children's game;


As I find you here again;
A thought runs through my mind;
Our love is like a circle;
Let's go 'round one more time.

Sing the cloud song Mommy

Fifty years, five decades, half a century. No matter how you describe it that's a long time. So why doesn't it seem that long while living it? Maybe I've just been too busy to stop and notice or I've been trying too hard to just make it to this or that goal or milestone to notice time going by. So now is my time to stop and notice, my time to look back and remember and to look forward and dream.


Despite an AMAZING lack of musical talent, ( my husband used to tease me that when I sang to my sons at bedtime they went to sleep in self defense!) I have always been fond of "theme songs" for whatever life stage I'm going through.  My current theme song is an old song by Judy Collins called Both Sides Now.  When my sons were young they would ask for it at bedtime saying "Sing the cloud song Mommy"  The final refrain goes:

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.

That is how I feel lately.  Maybe I'm naive by some subconscious choice, maybe I'm just not quite wise enough yet to recognise truth versus illusion (maybe I never will be!) or maybe all of us cling to illusions of what our life has been because that is how we survive.  Whatever the reason, I'm keeping my illusions because, as Anne Frank said in her diary, "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."