Lean on Me

Well, the dreaded 50^th birthday came and went and was actually very nice.  As much as I thought I wanted to totally ignore it that would have made me miserable.  Lucky for me I have a wonderful friend who knows me well enough (sometimes better then I know myself) to know that.  So we went out to dinner together and she helped me have a good time.  Where would any of us be without our friends?

Actually, the “angst” of turning 50 was overshadowed BIG TIME by a phone call a few weeks ago from TL, my daughter-in-law.  My son D is in the Navy and they are living 300 miles away in Virginia.  TL is one of the few people who actually grasps the fact that since I work nightshift calling me middle of the day is like a middle of the night call, so she will usually send me a text message saying “call when you get up”.  When the phone rang and I saw it was her I felt a sense of dread.  I answered the phone and she said very quietly “I got a call from the doctor’s office saying they got the biopsy results and I have breast cancer”.  My first thought was this has to be a sick joke, since when do they report things like that over the phone?  Then it hit that this was real and my brain started racing over figuring out logistics.  To make a long story short, three days later I was in the car driving to their house to go with them to the appointment with the surgeon.  Hey, what’s the point in having a nurse in the family if they can’t help translate from “medical speak” and answer the questions you usually think of after you leave the office!  So now TL is looking at a bilateral mastectomy and we’re trying to work out the logistics of her surgery and my son’s impending departure for 6 months at sea.  Oh, and did I forget to mention they have a very active two year old son? Although I guess that is redundant, since aren’t all two year old boys very active?  Luckily, her parents are retired so have more freedom to go down to help out and I’ll go down for the week after surgery.  We are assuming that after surgery and recuperation time all will be “back to normal” and cancer will be behind her.  No, that is not denial, that is called positive thinking! 

And we do have a lot to feel positive about.  TL has a medical team she trusts and feels good about (mainly her 2 surgeons and the clinical coordinator for the Breast Clinic) which is a major positive.  Friends, family members and co-workers have been very helpful and supportive.  The same friend who took me out for my birthday has been wonderfully patient while I have gone on and on about what is happening in VA, has listened to me whine about how this isn’t fair and has put up with my distraction and has just let me know she is there for me.  My co-workers have offered to cover shifts, help me work out logistics for time off and even offered to transfer vacation time from their “time bank” to mine!  One co-worker said to think of it as  payback for shifts I have covered in the past, that “what goes around, comes around” is not always a negative statement. 

Which brings me to the song quote for this post, Bill Wither’s “Lean on Me”.  Liked this one as a teenager, now it seems even more relevant.

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

January in October

October is, to me, a very introspective month.  The changing of the seasons, the brisk clarity of the chilly mornings, the whispery sound of wind in dried leaves shivering on the trees or scratching across the lawn and sidewalk, the deep, instinctive feeling of needing to hunker down and dig in for the impending cold weather all combine to generate a feeling of restlessness in me.  But there is a deep down feeling of hope, of faith that this is not an ending but a begining.  The holiday season is approaching so my fridge is becoming covered with planning and shopping lists, my dining room table is collecting an amazing number of catalogs and I've started carrying a little notebook in my purse to jot down ideas for gifts, recipes and projects. 
This fall the projects include getting ready to move in the spring.  I'm hoping to buy a home and so I'm starting to purge some of the "stuff" that has accumulated.  That process includes digging through not just possessions but memories too.  It takes lots of time and even more energy, both physical and emotional.  There is both fear and excitment about the changes ahead, some days more fear, others more excitement.  So that leads to this blog's theme song....Just Like January

Trash everything that has ever crashed your system
Forget all the days that you've ever cried for help
Shelf all the words that have ever been used against you
Take the time to trust yourself
Oh-oh, oh-oh

[Chorus:]
Starting over, again - oh
I know there's something waiting
And I'm changing
Just like January
I'll start, over again - oh
Just when I thought I faded
You saved me
Just like January

Circle Song

Last night I had the pleasure of a reunion with friends from high school years.  It amazes me that after 30 plus years of extremely varied experiences/lifestyles we still have so much in common.  Many of our relationships are started because of chance...who you sat next to in class in school, who lived on your block, who lived on your dorm hall, who shared the next "cube" at work.  But these relationships are continued by choice.  Last night made me realise that the reason we chose to become friends instead of mere classmates 30  years ago was because on some level we sensed shared values/priorities/goals.  We may have been shaped ( or in some cases twisted!) by what has happened in the intervening years but deep down what attracted us to each other so long ago is still there.

In between the laughter and remembering that went on in our pasts, there were also moments of sharing who we have become and what we are facing in our lives now, both the good and the bad.  The old say "sharing with friends both lightens the burden and increases the joy" was certainly proven last night.  It was wonderful to be with these people 30 years ago and wonderful last night in a different way, from a different prospective.  Makes me think about what it will be like in the future!  Oh, and next time I'll remember the coffe mug!

So that leads to this post's song quote from Harry Chapin's  Circle Song:

It seems like I've been here before;
I can't remember when;
But I have this funny feeling;
That we'll all be together again.

No straight lines make up my life;
And all my roads have bends;
There's no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends.

I found you a thousand times;
I guess you done the same;
But then we lose each other;
It's like a children's game;


As I find you here again;
A thought runs through my mind;
Our love is like a circle;
Let's go 'round one more time.

Sing the cloud song Mommy

Fifty years, five decades, half a century. No matter how you describe it that's a long time. So why doesn't it seem that long while living it? Maybe I've just been too busy to stop and notice or I've been trying too hard to just make it to this or that goal or milestone to notice time going by. So now is my time to stop and notice, my time to look back and remember and to look forward and dream.


Despite an AMAZING lack of musical talent, ( my husband used to tease me that when I sang to my sons at bedtime they went to sleep in self defense!) I have always been fond of "theme songs" for whatever life stage I'm going through.  My current theme song is an old song by Judy Collins called Both Sides Now.  When my sons were young they would ask for it at bedtime saying "Sing the cloud song Mommy"  The final refrain goes:

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.

That is how I feel lately.  Maybe I'm naive by some subconscious choice, maybe I'm just not quite wise enough yet to recognise truth versus illusion (maybe I never will be!) or maybe all of us cling to illusions of what our life has been because that is how we survive.  Whatever the reason, I'm keeping my illusions because, as Anne Frank said in her diary, "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."